I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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