i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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