I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
