Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
