I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
