Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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