I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
My cat gives me a boner
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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