just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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