first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize