And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
