He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize