I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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