I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
