i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Randomize
