I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
