I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
what day is it and did you see me today?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
