Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
