so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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