It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So squirting runs in the family.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
