My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
