I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
