So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
