So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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