allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
