I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
