Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
