the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
