Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
