I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
