I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Shame - the story of my life.
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