Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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