i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
