It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
