Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
