my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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