Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
