I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
