My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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