I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
