He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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