I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
