I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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