When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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