I cannot find my penis.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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