Please, let me fuck your mom
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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