I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
