you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
