Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
