I can tuck mytits in my pants
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
