matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
