who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
