I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
