im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
