At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize