it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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