I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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