I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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