We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
