from now on my penis is your penis
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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