I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
