"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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