mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
