my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
